My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
