Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Boobs are out for the taking
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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