the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
