a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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