my phone needs a breathalizer
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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