I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
