Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
