Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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