You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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