Just fell off a train. Bad.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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