wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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