It's like God shit irony all over that family
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
