I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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