This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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