I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
