A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
