A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
