The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
