please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
