Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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