the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
