I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
