it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he fucked my hip out of place.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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