Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Damn victory sex feels great
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
