all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
