Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
