I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think i got beer on your cat.
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