the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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