Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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