If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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