I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
