Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
