You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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