Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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