apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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