Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
