I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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