I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
