im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
