Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
