the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
