My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
