Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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