Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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