I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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