weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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