Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
