someone threw a dead crab at me
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
