babies were throwing up all over the place
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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