So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
