Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
