never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
