Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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