I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
