I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
