My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
