I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
