Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I cannot find my penis.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
