If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
