What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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