capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
