I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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