I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
